Gods of The Dead
by ra-dakota
Summary: don't be mean. our first story! basically this is about how four Gods of the Dead meet up at a restaurant, to talk about how life is for them. :D oh, and this idea came from Ra.


Greek: hades  
Norse: hela  
Egyptian: Osiris  
Roman: Pluto

The four gods of the dead planned to meet up in Olive Garden to talk about their job.  
Hades got there first. He wasn't used to being around so many living people, and it was almost too fast for him to keep up with. He went to the woman at the front of the restaurant and said, "I'm here for the reservation."  
The woman wondered if the strange person in front of her was era acting for something. It looked like it. He was dressed like it was Halloween, and he was trying (and failing) to be a god.  
"Hold on just a second." She said. "Let's see, 4:39? Hades?"  
"Yes." Hades answered, wondering why everyone was looking at him.  
"Okay, your table is right over here." She led hades to a corner in the middle of the restaurant. It was bright and cheerful, and it had five seats. Hades frowned at that, but didn't complain.  
He sat down and waited for the other gods to show up.

Osiris was leaving his kingdom in the Duat. It was his land of the dead. He went over all of the rules to his nephew, Anubis.  
"Don't let any dead spirits out. If anyone comes to meet me, tell them I'm busy. If they come for their judgement, have them sit over there." He pointed to a line of chairs and benches.  
"I shouldn't be gone for very long, so just try to keep everything in order."  
Anubis sighed. "It'll be fine."  
"Don't just say that! We have the most important job here- to sort out the dead. Give the good a place of honor!" Osiris chided for the thousandth time.  
"Okay. " Anubis said. "You can go now."  
"Okay. I'm so worried- I haven't gone out of the Duat for- how long now? How many centuries?"  
"It doesn't matter. Just go and talk to the other gods." Anubis said.  
"Okay... Bye." Osiris disappeared.

Hela was in front of Olive Garden. There was a voice in the back of her head saying, 'wrong one' over and over again, making her nervous to open the door, but she ignored it and went inside.  
The woman in the front of the store was typing up something in a computer for someone, so Hela waited for her to finish. Finally, the woman was done, and Hela said, "I'm here for the 4:39 reservation. I'm meeting someone..."  
The woman typed it up. "The hades reservation?" She asked.  
"Yes." Hela answered.  
The woman led her to a table, where Hades was already sitting, looking extremely bored. Hela sat down, noticing that there were five chairs, but only four people would come. She wondered why.

Pluto hired a taxi to take him to Olive Garden. The driver had a strange accent, and it also happened to be very strong, so Pluto had no idea what the guy was saying. He seemed to talk nonstop.  
Eventually they reached the restaurant, and Pluto gave the driver a few gold coins. The driver was, for once, speechless. After all, because his accent was so strong nobody understood him, he used it to insult his customers.  
Pluto hesitated before going inside. He had been stuck underground for SO LONG. Maybe he was going to make a horrible mistake.  
'No,' his common sense said. 'You're Roman. What could go wrong? You're a god.'  
Pluto walked in and asked about the 4:39 reservation. The woman running the - what was it called?- was talking on the strange ear- thing, and seemed agitated. Eventually she hung up.  
Then she noticed that Pluto was there. "Sorry." She apologized. "I'm arguing with my boyfriend."  
'What do I say to THAT?' Pluto asked himself, but out loud he said, "I'm here for the 4:39 reservation." He checked his watch. It was 4:39.  
He was led to the table. 'It's too bright here. We're gods of the dead, we're used to the dark' he thought. But he just sat down between Hela and Hades.  
"You're early." He said.  
They were silent.  
"Anyone wonder why there are five chairs?" He asked. Hela smiled a little, and Hades actually talked.  
"What if someone else comes?"  
"Well, Osiris still has to come." Hela pointed out. "What's the bet that he'll be late?"  
And so they got to talk to each other.

Osiris, meanwhile, was on a bus and wishing that he wasn't so blue and pale. Everyone looked afraid of him. What did they expect him to do, vanish?  
The bus reached a stop. Osiris checked his map and realized that he still had another stop before his. More people got on, including an old man that was smoking.  
Osiris eyed him. Clearly, this man would die in four days. How could nobody else see it?  
The bus filled up more, and nobody got off. The next stop, ten minutes later, came, and Osiris looked out of the window and groaned. It was packed with people.  
Nobody got off, and everyone was stuck, packed in like fish in a can. Half the people at the stop opted to wait for the next bus instead of get on his, and it was still packed.  
Another ten minutes later, Osiris got to his stop, and to his horror, nobody would let him off. The bus driver opened the doors as Osiris fought his way to them, but as he got there, the doors closed, and the bus moved.  
"STOP!" Osiris yelled, and the bus froze. Osiris got to the door, and the the bus driver, half embarrassed, half angry, let him off.  
Osiris looked at the restaurant. It was low and close to the ground, and he wondered why the other gods chose this place.

The woman in the front of the restaurant was talking to her friend, Abigale, when a strange man walked into the restaurant. His skin was either white or blue, and he wasn't dressed quite normally.  
"Let me guess." The woman said as she hung up on her friend. "The 4:39 reservation?"  
"Yes." The man replied.  
The woman motioned for a fellow coworker to come over. "Show him to his table." She said, and helped the next (more normal) people.

Osiris looked at everyone else. They all looked nervous. Probably because they hadn't left their kingdoms in centuries, like him.  
Osiris sat on Hades's other side, and noticed a fifth chair.  
"Why is that here?" He muttered.  
Hela was grinning. "Pay up." She said to Pluto.  
He looked unhappy and pulled out a gold coin. "There's your money." He added.  
"So... Anyone have any interesting new additions to their land?" Hades asked. "I had to add a new place in the fields of punishment. Some guy was a mass murderer."  
"I didn't." Osiris answered. "There'll be one in four days, though. Some guy on the bus I took here- old and smoking. I'd like to know where he'll go."  
Hela shrugged. "Who knows? Nobody interesting went to my world. Pluto?"  
"Just a couple of Romans. Mercury dropped by. Jupiter is unhappy with Juno again."  
"They're always unhappy. Can't hear just get along with Zues for once?" Hades responded.  
"Ra is still deep in sleep." Osiris said. "Always asleep. I can't believe I married a traitor."  
"A traitor that cares." Hela pointed out. "Any demons try to destroy your world?"  
"I live next to Tartarus." Hades pointed out. "Yeah, that happens every other week."  
"I'm Hades's cooler half." Pluto said. "So yeah... The same thing.  
"You are not cooler than me-"  
"What would you like to drink?" The waiter had just arrived, and everyone looked up in surprise.  
"Ummm... Water." Pluto said.  
"Wine." Hades decided.  
"Water." Hala declared.  
Osiris looked at the menu and saw something he had never heard of before. "I want... Sprite."  
"Okay. They'll be right here." The waiter said, and left. There was silence at first, but then the talking started up again.  
"Doesn't anyone feel bad about sending spirits to eternal damnation?" Osiris asked.  
"No. They were asking for it." Pluto said.  
"A little. That's why I have judges do it for me." Hades explained.  
"That's a way to do it. I use a magic scale." Osiris added. "It weighs the soul of the person."  
"And we all know what happens if the soul is heavy." Hela said.

The waiter came back, carrying a tray of wine, sprite, and water. He wondered why the people acted like they knew each other but hadn't been outside in years.  
"Can I take your order now, of do you need a few more minutes?" He asked. The people at the table looked confused for a minute, then then got it.  
"Give us another minute." Hela said.  
"Okay." The waiter went off to help another table.

The gods were now looking at the menus. Osiris thought that spaghetti with meatballs sounded good, while Hela wanted lasagna. Hades was deciding between manicotti and tortellini, and Pluto was wondering if the ravioli was worth the twelve dollars.  
The waiter came back. "What would you like to eat?" He looked pointedly at hades, who was still deciding.  
"Manicotti!"'he answered quickly.  
"Do you want a soup or salad with that ?" The waiter questioned, scribbling 'manicotti' on a notepad.  
"Salad!" Hades answered, wondering why it wasn't on the menu.  
Hela went next. "I would like to get lasagna." She said. The waiter scribbled on his notebook some more, and after Hela decided on salad, the waiter looked at Osiris and almost crapped himself.  
"What kind of human is that blue?" He asked himself.  
"I want spaghetti." Osiris declared. "With a salad."  
"Gimme ravioli!" Pluto had decided that the only way to answer his question was to try it.  
The waiter left, and the gods were silent again, until Osiris tried the sprite.

Osiris gulped some of it down and started coughing and rubbing his nose. "What's in that?" He asked.  
Hades tried it, and got the same effect. "It's not alcohol, I know that. Being related to a wine god can be helpful."  
Hela tried it. "I like it." She said.  
Then Pluto tried it. He drank half the glass. "Stop it!"'Osiris ordered. Pluto paused, and then drank the rest.  
"I'm fine," He said. At that moment he sneezed a huge sneeze, and the table moth fluttered, and everyone in that room looked shocked.  
Slowly people started talking to their own group of people, and the gods went back to their conversation.  
"So how are your helpers?" Pluto asked. "Lettus wants a couple of days off."  
"Anubis is getting bored with his job." Osiris agreed.  
"Thanatos is the same as ever." Hades declared.  
"Which means..." Hela asked.  
"He... Met Charon, and now he ALSO wants a pay raise." Hades clarified.  
"You should just let the dead make their way to your realm." Osiris said.  
"Oh, you're one to talk! Ra used to guide them to your realm every night! Zues refuses to help me, so now Charon is underpaid."  
"Don't the dead give you money?" Hela asked.  
"Two dramacha per dead person WHO BELIEVES IN ME is really not a lot." Hades pointed out. "After all, there are more people alive now than everyone who has ever died."  
"Good point." Hela said. "How did you become the god of the dead?"  
"Oh, my brothers and I beat the titans, so we drew straws to see who would rule the sky. Zues won, so it was the ocean and the dead left. Poseidon won the game of rock- paper- scissors. He got the ocean, and I got the dead."  
Pluto went next. "The Romans wanted the mythology of the Greeks, so I got to be the god of the dead."  
"My brother, Set, killed me when I was a living god, so I became god of the dead. At least he never became king." Osiris explained. "I'm still mad at him for killing me."  
"We're too busy killing outside problems to worry about killing each other." Hades said.  
"But you all trick, argue, and get abducted." Hela pointed out.  
"True." Hades admitted.

The waiter came back with a bowl of salad, and placed it in the middle of the gods. They all looked at the salad, and then ate it.

"So what was the punishment for the mass murderer?" Osiris sakes.  
"Oh, Hades just-"  
"I'm telling this, Pluto," Hades interrupted sharply. "He's in a small box and he sees his victims everywhere."  
"That's kind of harsh." Osiris said.  
"And his victims ask 'why, why?' To him." Hades finished.  
"That's going too far!" Osiris complained.  
"Oh, please. Your victims' souls get eaten by a terrifying monster, and they cease to exist." Hela said. "How is Hades's punishment too far?"  
"Well, he picks it!" Osiris pointed out.  
"True." Hades said. "But they deserved it."  
"Didn't you already say that you felt bad about punishment?" Pluto asked.  
"Shut up." Hades said. Pluto grinned.

The waiter came back with bread.

So, guys, how long until our actual food comes? Who wants to bet?" Hela asked.  
"What is with you and betting?" Pluto asked.  
"You're just mad that I won the last one." Hela decided.  
"Yep. Sounds about right." Pluto admitted.  
"I bet ten minutes." Hela declared.  
"I bet five." Pluto said.  
"Twenty." Hades said.  
"Never." Osiris said.  
Ten minutes later, the food came.  
"Cheater!" Pluto said.  
"Don't be a sore looser." Hela responded. "I DIDN'T cheat."  
They dug in.

A shadowy figure walked up to the Olive Garden. The last one for the 4:39 reservation. He went inside, and the woman at the front of the store said, "How can I help you- chkkk!"  
The strange person was strangling her. As soon as she passed out, he went to the table in the middle of the restaurant, gathering stares as the restaurant got silent.  
There were already four people sitting at the table. The stranger took the fifth chair.

Hades looked at the stranger. They were old and they wore black robes. "Who are you?" He asked the stranger.  
"I...Am... DARTH SIDIOUS!"  
All of the gods and Hela at that point got really angry, because Darth Sidoius was the reason that they were so overworked. He had added so many new souls to their lands.  
So they all yelled and Darth Sidoius realized that going there had been a HUGE mistake. He screamed and shot lightning out of his hands, forgetting that they were gods, so HE COULDN'T KILL THEM OR HARM THEM IN ANY WAY!  
He ran out of the restaurant chased by four angry deities. He never stood a chance.

"Sooo...,what's his punishment going to be?" Hela asked.  
"Vanishing?" Osiris suggested.  
"Eternal torture?" Suggested Pluto.  
"Shot into space?" Hades asked.  
And so Darth Sidious was shot into space.


End file.
